Friday, January 22, 2010

Student work on page 45 of of A HUMUMENT by Tom Phillips


For Sandy’s essay:

Overall I thought Sandy did well in her essay to present an interesting, unique, and apt thesis and wrote about it throughout the essay. I was interested with how she ran the argument to the end and concluded. I also think she noticed some interesting and specific things in relation to the use of language within the poem.

I think, as I noted on the first page but then stopped, that her argument could be greatly improved with some work on stylistic phrasing. As the essay moves on, I think there are sentences and phrases that could be cut without affecting the overall meaning of the essay.

Objective:
1. Find one sentence that could be cut from the essay (or edit a group of sentences to make your point) and explain why it is extraneous or ‘gets in the way’ of the more pertinent argument in the paragraph. By doing so, you will actually be complimenting Sandy on what she did well and why she does not need the sentence you are cutting. No repeats and nothing from the first two paragraphs please!

2. Include any compliments by cutting and pasting from her essay to show what you liked and why.

Click link below: (this one won't embed for some reason.)
Sandy Joseph page 45 of Phillips’ A Humument with meta

Make sure you label your comments for when you post in the comment stream by Monday, January 5th by class. You will be graded on the MHS Open Response rubric as a homework grade.

9 comments:

Stephany J. said...

“The different connotations of the colors show the complexity of Phillips’ portraits and his unique way of conveying meaning.”

In the third paragraph the sentence above proves to be an extraneous addition to the essay as a whole. Since Sandy already successfully explained how the stripes coming through the solid green overlay, it would be redundant to use this sentence. The audience is aware of the actions that the writer has taken to make the essay cohesive so there is no reason to restate something that is already known. By doing this Philips’ is able to depict how the image “symbolizes that each one is still his or herself, even if they are together.”

Compliment 1

I would also like to reference the third paragraph in its entirety. I was able to view a technique in writing that I never was fond of executing before. When I usually write an essay they usually contain a heavy argument on one side because I thought that it would contradict the effectiveness of my thesis if I didn’t. In actuality, Sandy’s decision to enlighten the reader on both sides of the story make a better case for it. This way it is more difficult to criticize her interpretation because she already addressed both sides with evidence from the image. Her critical use of syntax creates a cohesive understanding without having to be over excessive.

Compliment 2

“Phillips conveys the message that self-sacrifice does have its rewards such as sharing something magical with another human being.”

I believe that Sandy’s conclusion was one of the most important aspects of the essay. By concluding her account with the sentence it allows the reader a fresh perspective in relation to her argument. This sentence serves as a miniature summarization for the entire essay. It gives the reader the ability to fully connect the previous paragraphs without introducing a new idea in the process.

Kellie said...

“Phillips cleverly uses the color purple as a symbol of that, seeing as that’s what the color purple represents.”

Although I do not think that this sentence is extraneous to the work as a whole, I feel as though it is worded awkwardly at “seeing as that’s what the color purple represents”. I think the sentence would be more effective of showing that purple represents magic if she said “Phillips cleverly uses the color purple as a symbol of magic”. If Sandy already assumes that the reader knows what purple represents, then it should just be said directly to the audience.

“Although that might be something to not look forward to, by using that informal diction, Phillips expresses to us his attitude towards marriage.”

This sentence, I felt was extraneous to the work as a whole. I reread the paragraph without this sentence, and it still made a lot of sense, not changing any ideas. I do not think that stating marriage “might be something to not look forward to” would really affect the work. Also, I felt as though it should be known that “Phillips expresses to us his attitude towards marriage” because it is his ideas that are embedded within the piece of artwork. Overall, this sentence stated things that the author already previously knew from the paragraph before. Removing it would not change the work as a whole.

Compliment #1
“Although the colors are the same, they’re physically separated, which symbolizes that each one is still his or herself, even if they are together.”

I really liked how Sandy incorporated the colors, as well as where they are physically placed to improve upon her thesis of marriage. I thought that this idea was really hard to grasp, but the physical separation of the colors compliments Sandy’s theme. This example of marriage was really strong because it hit upon the main ideas of marriage, while creating a contrast through the artwork.

Compliment 2
“One thing that holds them together is the blotted line ‘I say good night to needs’.”

I thought that this sentence was very strong, because Sandy included the author’s words as part of the picture, not as just meaning through words. It was interesting seeing how the placement of words, and how they are arranged could compliment the true meaning of the work as a whole.

Compliment #3
“One then loses his or her individuality and his or her sense of being. This explains why there is hardly any writing in the green portion of the portrait because green symbolizes self-respect.”

Reading these two sentences, I can see how Sandy stated her thesis, and backed it up with evidence. I liked how she stated “This explains why there is…” because she used the work to her advantage. Instead of stating her thesis as a result of the evidence, she uses the evidence to prove her thesis correct. I really liked this inverse technique.

hillary said...

The different connotations of the colors show the complexity of Phillips' portrains and his unique way of conveying meaning.

I can see why she would have this sentence to tie up the paragraph, but I found it to be unnecessary. Sandy had done a great job of having analyzed the colors in such depth that we can already see that Phillips' portrait is complex. Re-stating it would make her essay seem wordy. Reading the paragraph without the sentence still makes sense. She could even use the previous sentence ("Green also means growth...") to end the paragraph because the wording sounds resoluting - "he is growing into his future and his relationship." It seems like a solid concluding sentence to me.

Compliment 1:

I really enjoyed Sandy's essay because of the amount of depth of analysis she put into it. I had chosen this portrait at first, but was unsure about it because of its simplicity. Sandy found a way around that and successfully presented a great paper. I especially love the color analyses. She said green symbolized "self-respect," "balance," and "growth." Purple was also a symbol for "magic," "spiritual fulfillment," and "hope." That fact that she included evidence along with the analyses is great for her arguments and is something that my essay personally lacked.

Compliment 2:

I liked her interpretation of the portrait as well. The way she connected the text to the picture worked well together considering how much it makes sense throughout her paper. For example, she points out the "irony" of Phillips' portrait in contrast to the explicit message of the portrait in her conclusion. She implicitly analyzed the portrait further than what was at face value. Although there are no right or wrong answers I thought Sandy's interpretation was accurate and her argument was persuading. She concluded the paper nicely.

Stephanie A. said...

“One is not one person anymore; one becomes one with someone else, therefore considering the needs as a couple together. One then loses his or her individuality and his or her sense of being”

I thought those sentences were extraneous because of all the “ones” that were used. I completely understood the point about a person losing their sense of individuality, but I felt as though the point could have come across in a more cohesive manner. In the first sentence she says “one is not one person anymore.” That is perfectly understandable but it could come off as confusing because the first “one” is meant to describe any person, and the second “one” is meant to describe a singular individual. The sentence could have said “A person is no longer an individual,” which could avoid any confusion having the reader understand what’s being said the first time. If that is changed then that eliminates all the “ones” being used and the next sentence flows together.

Compliment #1

“…Philips implies that although in marriage, there is a loss of individuality and freedom, it is also something magical and mysterious that one should strive for.”

This sentence is in the second to last paragraph. I really liked this part because I feel like it summarizes everything Sandy explained throughout her essay. Because this sentence summarizes every point that was already made, this sentence was not only appropriate for part of her concluding paragraphs but could also fit into the introduction.

Compliment #2

One is not one person anymore; one becomes one with someone else, therefore considering the needs as a couple together. One then loses his or her individuality and his or her sense of being

I wanted to compliment the sentence I already talked about. I know I made changes to it but I really do like what’s trying to be said here. I really liked this part of the third paragraph because it sounded like a metaphor. It’s clear that this part was well thought out. With all the thought put in explaining that the picture, in her interpretation, was meant to represent two different people, she makes this point clear.

Jess said...

"At the end of the portrait, Phillips finishes strongly, a finish that causes the reader to reflect upon what was recently said."

This sentence, in the second to last paragraph, is unecessary to the work as a whole. The paragraph itself emphasizes why the ending is such a strong finish, so this is an obvious statement that can be left out because of the strength of the paragraph itself.

Compliment #1:
"Green also means growth, when the author said 'goodbye to needs', he is growing into
his future and his relationship."


I thought this was very strong in the way that you incorporated the text and the colors in the image in a meaningful way.

Compliment #2:
"Overall Phillips ironically exhibits unity in his portrait by separating the two different
physical parts of the portraits."


The contrast between the image and the text is very good here.

Jackie said...

"One then loses his or her individuality and
his or her sense of being."

Though I feel as though this sentence is extraneous to the point that it takes away from the essay, I do feel thatit is redundant to the sentences it follows. The sentences before it are really powerful and really emphasize what sandy is saying about the piece. However with this sentence she simply repeats what she had previously pointed out.

Compliment One
In her third paragraph sandry writes "Phillips portrait is divided in two, which can possibly represent a man and a woman,
in two different worlds. One thing that holds them together is the blotted line “I say good night to
needs”. The purpose is to demonstrate what one leaves behind, which is one’s own needs and desires to fulfill another’s. One is not one person anymore; one becomes one with someone else,
therefore considering the needs as a couple together." I thought that these sentences were fantastic because it is evident that she really analyzed the piece and understood what was going on.I also like how she used the word "one" in multiple ways so that it has several meanings all in one sentence.

Compliment Two
In her fourth paragraph she writes, "He extinguishes his old self and desires for “magic”, magic amongst the two. Phillips
cleverly uses the color purple as a symbol of that, seeing as that’s what the color purple
represents. It also symbolizes spiritual fulfillment, which he’s looking for in this new bond he’s
going to have, the bond he left everything behind for. Purple serves as hope for a mystery in the
new home, in which he hopes that he has good judgment of."
I really liked this part because of the deep description and interpretation she has of what the color purple means in the piece. I thought that this interpretation was really interesting. I can definitely see the connection between magic and spiritual fufillment.

oliviak said...

"Phillips cleverly uses the color purple as a symbol ofthat, seeing that's what the color purple represents."

I felt that this line was a bit extraneous, or at least the last part of it was because using 'that' confused me. Also, because she went on in the next lines to say what the color purple also means, I felt that she could have put one of the meanings in for the last part of this sentence instead of using that.

Comment 1:

"...green symbolizes self-respect...order and balance...and growth..."

I thought these lines were really good because you could see that she put a lot of time into analyzing the piece and you could clearly see her own opinions. She used a lot of examples of what the color green could mean and they all related to the piece really well. When I looked at the piece a second time I understood it better.

Comment 2:

"Phillips suggests that happy marriages are rare, or hardly exist."

I thought this was really good as well because it reminded me of an AP thesis, it was really thought out and she was able to put her opinion into it again without completely overpowering her writing. She also used a lot of evidence directly from the piece which helps when viewing it and trying to understand it.

Samantha J said...

Part 1

“The purpose is to demonstrate what one leaves behind, which is one’s own needs and
desires to fulfill another’s.”


I feel this sentence gets in the way of the argument. The next line is a stronger interpretation and more fully explains the point which she wishes to achieve through the pronoun usage in the poem. The next two lines could be put together to create a more powerful message. This feels like an introduction to the second line that is not needed and instead weakens the next line by being in the analysis.

Part 2

Compliment 1:
I liked the development of her theme through the analysis of the pronouns. Her interpretation of possession was very detailed and I like the depth in which she supported her idea. I felt that it was a great addition to the analysis and really helped her to create a strong argument for her theme. This was artfully incorporated into her analysis of the colors of the composition, which I felt allowed her to create a very interesting and in depth analysis, which strongly supported her theme.

Compliment 2:
The analysis of the words themselves in the composition was very well done. I felt that she did a wonderful job of connecting the composition of the work to the words present. The development of analysis regarding the two juxtaposed colors was very well done also. She was able to connect all of the ideas in a way which made me visualize her ideas without even looking at the composition. The essay was a well written analysis, but also detailed enough that the reader would not even have to see the work to understand and appreciate the theme.

Gbaby said...

" The word itself provokes a sense of anxiety , and allows the reader to assume that the "Work" is going to be arduous, and it's going to be a long Journey."
I feel like this sentence should be cut of from this paragraph , because to me, I feel like she's repeating her work.When reading the first few sentences that comes before this line , she already stated her point very well, which I understood what she was trying to get across. Or she could left this sentence and delete the one before.

Compliment #1
" Through that Phillips implies that although in marriage,there is a loss of individuality and personal freedom,it is still something magical and mysterious that one should strive for."

This sentence stood out to me when the paragraph . The way she plays around with the words, was a good thing, and from reading this part , you know what this whole essay was about. Which that's why it got my attention.
Compliment #2
"The use of colors displayed his attitude and tone of the humument as a whole."
This part also got my attention, because in this part she kind of explain that by using the colors she figure out the tone and the attitude of the author, what kind of tone and attitude he was using.